SORRY I ONLY GOT YOU THIS BRUTAL CRUCIFIXION

But it’s the thought that counts

Don’t panic, but there are only four shopping days left until Christmas. Of course, it’s easy for me to say ‘don’t panic’ because I have the opposite problem, i.e. I’m so laid back about Christmas I’m practically horizontal. Buying presents for family and friends is definitely something I like to do in theory. But in practice I usually forget that my family and friends even exist until they are literally sitting around the tree, radiating waves of resentment towards me as they unwrap their packet of Premier own-brand fig rolls and box of seasonally-themed tissues. But who am I kidding? No one invites me for Christmas anymore. And that’s fine, because I barely remember their names.

This year there will be zero problems, since I’m hundreds of miles from my family and friends – whoever they are – and am spending the entirety of December chipping ice off concrete steps with a chisel while snow falls down the back of my neck. This is not the true meaning of Christmas, but it’s definitely getting there. A degree of difficulty and hazard is surely only traditional at this time of year. Road is dusty, can’t get a hotel room, sheep are left to wander unherded because the lads have gone on a midnight jolly, you’ve had to buy all your pressies from the Premier corner shop, that kind of thing. A bit of discomfort and annoyance is seasonally appropriate.

Indeed, I’ve always thought the Nativity story could use a bit more struggle and conflict. Then again, they say history is written by the victors, which makes me think that God has maybe left a few key elements out of the story. Sure, we get the whole donkey/manger/star of Bethlehem thing. And of course, the appearance of the big baby J on Christmas morning, sleeping in the hay and not even making any crying. But what, for example, was Joseph thinking about all these shenanigans?

As regular readers will be aware, I’m no theologian, but I do have some concerns about Joseph. Firstly, he was supposed to be about 90 years old at the time Jesus was born, which seems a lot older than he ought to be, given that Mary was only just of child bearing age. That’s dodgy for a start. Of course, at that age, he was probably well pleased that he’d managed to produce a little babby at all, let alone the actual Christ Child. The fact that he’d managed to do it without even getting properly naked with Mary may also have been a source of pride for him. Then all the shepherds and wise men turning up with nice Christmas pressies must have made him feel pretty chuffed with himself, and cheered him up after the whole ‘no room at the inn’ debacle, which I expect saw him spending much of Christmas Eve penning a furious Trip Advisor review.

Joseph probably thought he was made for life (whatever life he had left at this point) what with the big baby J being so popular and in demand. But then, in a sickening plot twist, it turns out that Actual God is claiming paternity over the child! Talk about stealing Joseph’s glory. I can only imagine the drama. I suspect that the scenes were strikingly reminiscent of the video for Brandy and Monica’s hit 90s RnB tune, ‘The Boy is Mine’, only with longer beards.

Meanwhile Mary would have been shaking her head, like, for fuck’s sake, guys. I pushed the big baby J out of my actual body, in case you hadn’t noticed. And I had to do it in this manger, with that little donkey staring up my foof the whole time. I’m the real hero here.

Mary has a point, I think. There’s a whole song devoted to the little donkey, carrying its heavy load on the dusty road, but literally nothing in the nativity about Mary’s foof. How difficult would it have been, really, to include something about the actual labour involved in bringing forth the Christ Child? It’s not that hard to find something that rhymes with ‘no epidural’ is it? “He was born to rid the world of sin/Mary birthed Him without so much as an aspirin.” Come on, guys! It’s like they weren’t even trying.

Mary does, of course, get a whole load of Hails later on down the line, and a new blue dress and everything. But I’m not really sure what happened to Joseph after the whole Nativity rap battle. I suspect he was like, fine, whatever, and spent the rest of the Bible in the garage, knocking out a few chairs and cabinets. Maybe he ended up a bit like one of Santa’s elves in the workshop, pretty much left to get on with it except for once a year, when he gets wheeled out and lauded a bit. Except in this case, Santa is played by God, and Joseph is the only elf. The big baby J was apparently a pretty nifty toymaker, too, but it’s not what He’s mostly known for. Probably would have been a waste of his talents getting Him making Scaletrics when most people in those days weren’t even bothering to put their stockings out.

Besides, God hadn’t really got into the Christmas spirit yet Himself. He was only just getting over His smite-all-the-annoying-humans phase, and the big baby J was pretty much the only person on His ‘nice’ list. And He had Him nailed to a cross, so I think it’s fair to say He wasn’t really getting the whole ‘it’s the thought that counts’ vibe.

Personally, I think all this is eminently fixable. Schools are always looking for more roles for kids to play in the Nativity, so why not add in some extra parts? You’ve already got three shepherds, three wise men, an innkeeper, some sheep, a donkey… I suggest there’s plenty of room onstage for Actual God to show up for his RnB duet with Joseph, and for Mary’s Foof to do a rendition of a moving hymn about her episiotomy tear. Plus you could have the Trip Advisor team in the background, downrating the Inn at Bethlehem, and also some elves that hang around in Joseph’s garage, waiting for God to stop smiting people and get into the whole making presents thing.

Still, as previously mentioned, I can’t really talk because, much like God, I am an inconsistent present-giver. But at least I haven’t given anyone a lifetime of suffering culminating in being brutally nailed to a cross this year, so maybe I’m doing better than I think at this whole Christmas lark. Come to think of it, maybe I’m doing even better than Actual God. You’re welcome! Happy Christmas, one and all!

Let’s just hope God’s been working on His sense of humour since the Nativity.